Stop
by Grand Phoenix
Summary: Spread your wings and fly. /a StrikerS Episode 24 what-if/


**Disclaimer:** All characters and locations belong to their respective owners. "Mad World" belongs to Tears For Fears/Gary Jules. "RADICAL DREAMERS: The Jewel that Can't Be Stolen" belongs to Yasunori Mitsuda and Mitose Noriko from the Chrono Cross video game.

* * *

**Stop**

* * *

Flying.

Weightlessness.

There is no time, no direction.

There is only Here and Now.

White. So white.

Quiet. Nothingness.

Free. Infinite. Forevermore.

Blue light washes over her. Warm. Tender. Fierce. Protective.

The demon is extracted and dispels in smoke with an angry, soundless roar.

The world is consumed. The blue light blinds all that is within, all that is without.

Somewhere, anywhere, nowhere, there is a lion's roar.

And she smiles.

* * *

Ginga doesn't feel a thing when she crashes into the pavement.

* * *

Subaru rides Wing Road down to the highway. Feet hit the ground and bring her to the fallen angel lying bloody and broken.

She drops to her knees, grabs Ginga by the shoulders and shakes her. "Gin-nee! Gin-nee!" she calls. Fingers grip around the spandex. "Tell me you're alright, Gin-nee! Please, Gin-nee!"

Dark eyelashes flutter open, revealing the brightest shade of green ever to behold. They are heavy, threatening to collapse. A weak smile captures her split lips, bright red against milk white skin.

"Suba-nee-chan," Ginga gasps, strain evident in her voice. She struggles, but the words come slowly, forcefully. "I'm . . . I'm so . . . proud of . . . you . . . ." Then in a single, shivering breath she adds, "I love you." Her eyes close--

--and the smile remains.

Total silence.

"Gin-nee?" Subaru probes thickly. "Gin-nee? _Gin-nee?_" She rocks the prone frame, harder, faster.

No sound. No movement.

Jade irises sting. Throat tightens. Teeth clench. The scenery blurs and something hot and wet spills on dirtied cheeks.

A choked sob escapes.

* * *

"_**GIN-NEE!!"**_

* * *

When Shamal arrives she finds Subaru standing in the middle of the road, holding Ginga's body as if it is a lifesaver, a piece of flotsam drifting on stormy waters. The younger's face is red and swollen, and raindrops fall from shot, glassy eyes.

"I killed her, Sensei," she says tremblingly. "I killed Gin-nee. My Gin-nee! I'm a murderer!"

Shamal doesn't know how to respond to this. She wants to say _It's not your fault_ or _That's not true_ or even _Bad things happen to good people_, but none of these will deliver solace stronger than wanton despair.

"I'm sorry," she says sadly, honestly. It's the only condolence she can offer.

(Life can be cruel.)

* * *

An hour later, Jail Scaglietti is arrested and the Numbers are captured. Nanoha, Hayate and Vita escape the Saint's Cradle with Vivio in tow, and the ancient ship is destroyed via Arc-en-Ciel and the _Claudia_'s fleet.

* * *

_God's in His Heaven,  
__All's right with the world._

(How can that be?)

* * *

In between TSAB Headquarters' reconstruction and tending to survivors of the invasion, Shamal and the medical staff examine Ginga Nakajima's cold, battered corpse.

Time passes. A somber Genya works with Riot Force Six and the ground battalions. Although he appears focused, his mind is elsewhere. It recalls memories of a purple-haired woman; of her passionate verve and crushing right hook, of her serene aura and blunt nails scratching at flesh riddled with sweat. His thoughts return to his daughter, a girl he has raised since that fateful mission many years ago, a girl he has seen blossom into an adult—

It is when his chest constricts that he stops thinking and quells the rising emotions. He can't do it here. He mustn't. _Before I am a person, I am a soldier_ is the Bureau's motto, and it flashes lightning quick on the frontier of his soul.

At Central Command, Subaru is placed under intense surveillance. Her magic is sealed and Mach Calibur is taken away. A rumor indicates she attempted suicide after overhearing the three Aces, the Nakajima patriarch, and the good doctor Shamal talk of funeral preparations. It is supported by the discoveries of a bloodied, serrated knife and hastily-scribbled note uncovered by Teana Lanstar at the scene. The ink is smeared and crumpled and tear-stained, but it is eligible. It reads: _"Without my flower, the world is ugly. Without my light, the world is dark. I can't stand the grey THE GREY. I HAVE TO GET OUT I HAVE TO SEE HER."_

For the next six days Teana trains to the point of exhaustion, but on the seventh she is forced to rest, forced to endure nightmares of Subaru and a _seppuku_ ritual gone horribly right.

Finally the autopsy results are in. It is a grim outlook. Details show Ginga's spine was crushed upon impact. The bones in her arms were fractured and smashed to pieces. Her organs were severely damaged, most specifically the heart and brain. The list goes on, but one point of interest stands out: Subaru was at full power; Mach Calibur spent a full magazine on Divine Buster. For it to be launched point-blank, there could be no chance of survival.

In Shamal's clear, articulate scrawl, the cause of death is stated as an _accidental homicide_.

It doesn't change the fact Subaru is still a murderer.

* * *

It is a solemn occasion when Ginga's body is laid to rest. The weather is neither cloudy nor rainy; instead it is a gorgeous spring evening made cool standing beneath the eaves of flowering magnolia trees and distant birdsong.

Among the mourners are the personnel and Forwards of Riot Force Six, each person clad in Earth-custom attire of black suits and dresses. They listen as the priest gives the eulogy (that Genya wrote but could not bring himself to read), listen as they reminisce the times spent with the older Nakajima sister, the bonds they shared through the good and the bad. They watch as the polished oak casket draped in the Bureau flag is lowered and earth returns to earth, where there is nothing but the memories to remind them of who now resides in the kiln of creation and destruction.

There is no gun salute. There is no Taps. There is no turning back time.

There is only Here and Now.

One by one they part from the cemetery, the priest and his undertakers, the family members. One by one Riot Force Six pay their last respects, Elio and Caro, Hayate and the Wolkenritter, Nanoha, Teana, the staff. When they are gone, Fate and Genya remain.

There is no Subaru.

* * *

_And I find it kinda funny.  
__I find it kinda sad.  
__The dreams in which I'm dying  
__Are the best I've ever had.  
__I find it hard to tell you.  
__I find it hard to take.  
__When people run in circles  
__It's a very, very mad world.  
__Mad world…._

* * *

It has been one month since the funeral. Subaru is removed from suicide watch, but by Bureau protocol she is placed on bereavement until further notice.

It has been one month since the funeral, and she is no longer the cheerful girl before the JS Incident. She rarely speaks, rarely communicates with her fellow compatriots. She stays far away from friends and family as much as possible. No one knows where she disappears to when the shadows stretch far and footsteps echo loudly of hollow dreams.

That changes one summer night when light floods into the bedroom like a stairway to heaven. Her name is called and Subaru awakes with a start, lost in the mists of bygone halcyon days. She turns and recoils, hands shielding closed eyes from the blindness. The door closes a crack, offers her darkness.

Bloodshot viridian open to meet wine red framed by golden tresses.

"Fate-sensei?" she croaks, voice raspy. She can't remember the last time she used it.

"Subaru," the Enforcer says quietly, "would you like to see Ginga?"

Nakajima's breath hitches. She looks at Fate, disbelief and surprise evident, but then the gaze softens and a porcelain glean snares her features like gauze over a wound.

She nods.

It's a short trek from here to the cemetery, but time does not exist for one who never got to say goodbye. Subaru walks alongside Fate, hands wrapped around a spade and potted plant, knuckles pale white. Fate carries an antique lantern, which she lighted upon leaving the city. Its soft yellow glow leads them past the wrought-iron gates and on the dirt path to the area where those in the line of duty lay in repose.

They stop at a pair of headstones some distance away from the entrance. Harlaown hangs the lantern on a tree branch, and the halo of light banishes the darkness to reveal the two names.

Quint Nakajima.

Ginga Nakajima.

Subaru kneels, sets the items next to her. Hands fist spurts of grass crowning the fresh grave. She stares at her sister's marker, her expression that of silent awe.

"It was your father's decision," Fate says, standing at a respectable distance. "He felt it would give you comfort having your mother at her side."

"But the brass …."

"Forget the brass. This is the moment you've been waiting for. No more delays. No more walls. No more ceilings. No more restrictions. There is only Here and Now." She breathes in the crisp air and gives a sad, tiny smile. "You are Free to be Who You Are."

Subaru gasps, remembers the wet blood; the hot tears; the shattered concrete; the limp, frail form; the fading green; that beautiful, haunting smile—

She looks at her hands and wonders _why_. Why am I still here? Why am I still alive? Why, why, _WHY AM I STILL--?_

"Gin-nee," the words are sudden, unbidden. It is a dream that is about to be realized. "I miss you, Gin-nee. I miss you so much. I haven't stopped thinking about you since I kill—since you died. Even when the doctors shot me high with anti-depressants, you were still on my mind."

A great, heavy sigh, passing between quivering lips. "I wanted to see you, see you so bad. I'd do anything, give anything, to feel your warmth, to hear your voice, to touch your hair, to look into your eyes … _anything_. So I tried to take the best, no, worst way out, and I … I couldn't do it. I tried. I … I tried so hard … but … I couldn't."

She sniffs, runs her palms up and down smooth green grass. "You must be upset … you and Mom. It … It was a mistake … a spur of the moment decision … and … I promise it won't happen again. I just … I just wanted to be with you. Just wanted to hold on to what was left of you. Just wanted … to feel whole again … and not be alone … anymore." Another sniffle. Her throat is starting to hurt. "… I never got to go to your funeral, G-Gin-nee. Th-The docs wo-wouldn't allow it. S-Said I-I'd be p-putting my health a-a-at risk … just s-seein' you being l-lowered. I-I'm sorry I … di-didn't make it … but I-I ha-had a lot of time thinking wh-what to get you … for your grave, I mean. So I … I … got you this." She sets the flower pot in front of her. "I-I-It's a pur-purple hyacinth. It's pr-pretty, isn't it? J-Just like y-you…. Here, let me pl-plant it fo-for y-you…."

Grabbing the spade Subaru leafs through the assorted array of bouquets and memorabilia decorating the headstone. Finding a clear space between some yellow zinnias and forget-me-nots, she jabs the rusted blade into the earth and digs. One … Two … Three … Four … Five …. Each stab sends a jolt of painful nostalgia into her mind. Each stab makes it harder to think, harder to breathe, harder to control the terrible tremble in her hands.

The hyacinth is placed in the small hole and covered with the upturned soil. Subaru breathes shakily, runs dirtied fingers along the grooves of the name carved in rock. "It do-doesn't feel the sa-same … wi-without yo-you. I … I wi-wish y-you were here, Gin-nee. I … wi-wish I …." A sob wrenches from her aching throat, and it is all it takes for the emotional dam to crumble. The girl bows her head and lets the tears fall, dousing mauve petals in a steady rain. "I'm so sorry, Gin-nee! I'm sorry I killed you! You didn't deserve to die! You didn't deserve to be captured! It should have been me! I should be the one dead! I should be the one in that casket! Not you, Gin-nee! You had so much to do, so much to live for!"

"Subaru…." Suddenly she is embraced, drawn in by a pair of warm, strong arms, Fate's arms. She turns and holds onto her, buries her wet face in the crook of the older woman's neck and cries, cries, cries.

"Why did Gin have to die, Fate-sensei? Why'd this have to happen?! It should have been me Jail captured, not Gin-nee! Gin-nee should be here safe and sound! She doesn't deserve to be dead! Not when we have all the time in the world to climb the ranks, get married, and grow old together!"

"I know, Subaru," Harlaown whispers soothingly. "I know how you feel. I … I had an older sister once. She died a long time ago … before I was born. I never actually met her, but … sometimes I think about her. I think about what it would be like if she were alive, what it would be like if life were just a little different." She stroked the younger's back, squeezed her arms around the girl tighter. "I … We … can do nothing to change time … but … it's best if we look back on those bygone days and reflect on the memories we've shared. Because those memories matter the most, and without them we wouldn't be able to remember those we loved and cared for."

Subaru nods weakly and whimpers. "I miss her, Fate-sensei. I miss my Gin-nee."

"I miss her, too. She was one of the best colleagues I ever got to know and train, always kind and gentle and willing to put others before her."

"That's why I loved her, Sensei. I s-still do." The torrent of emotion passes, the heaving of shoulders now subdued, but the rain does not stop. "I … I just wish I knew … why it had to be her."

Fate hums softly, blinks away the droplets pooling in fragile burgundy.

"Do you … Do you think it's because I couldn't save her? That the Gods punished me because I wasn't fast enough?"

The Enforcer shakes her head. "No. It wasn't your fault, Subaru. It's just … some things happen for a reason … and some things that can't be …_ explained_ _through_ reason." She exhales deeply, spends a quiet moment to collect herself, then murmurs, "Live for her, Subaru. Live, and never forget."

(Subaru doesn't.)

* * *

What happens next may or may not have been a dream. It could have been conjured by the immense grief surmounted on her back like Atlas carrying Uranus on the edge of Gaia. It could have been a subconscious mechanism to stem the ache that is ever present within her chest.

But what matters most is the person in her bed, the person lying next to her.

Ginga.

Subaru presses up against her, their warm, soft flesh mingling. Hands find their way on the elder, one on her shoulder, the other atop a round, supple breast. She breathes in, tastes the magnolia and dew and starlight in the air, and is filled with a content so pure and never-ending it lifts her on wings to a boundless eternity.

She purrs, low and guttural, and shifts beneath the blankets as Ginga's arms snake about her waist and pull her close. "I love you, Gin-onee-chan," she says faintly. "I love you so much. Please stay with me, Gin-onee-chan. I miss you."

Ginga runs her fingers through coarse blue hair, stares down at the younger person with soulful, tender affection. She smiles sadly. "I love you, too, Suba-nee-chan. I want to be with you at every waking moment, at every minute of every day." She kisses the top of the girl's head and sighs. "I don't want to leave you."

"Then stay," Subaru tells her, nuzzling into her neck. "Hold me. Protect me. I would want nothing more than to bask in your warmth. So please, _please_, don't go. _Don't go …._"

"Suba-nee-chan …." Ginga's voice cracks, thick with anguish. She swallows the lump in her throat and a stray tear slides unnoticed down her cheek. "I love you more than anything in the world. I promise to be there for you, to hold you, to comfort you. I promise to be with you as often as I can, because if there's one person I miss the most it's you, and it hurts me so much to see you suffering."

Subaru wipes away the cascading water with a hand. "We'll get through this, Gin-onee-chan. It pains me as well not having you by my side … but I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. Just for tonight, let's not think about our loss. Tonight … I just want to be near you."

Ginga closes her eyes and smiles, fully embraces the young'in as sleep steadily descends upon her. "Yes, you're right. All that matters now is you. Let this angel keep you safe from the night, my sister …."

Subaru mumbles her elder's name, snuggles closer for the want to thrive in the scent of heaven, to treasure and remember until the end of her days, and is lulled into a long-awaited peaceful slumber.

* * *

When she wakes in the morning, Ginga is gone and the space she occupied cold and unruffled. There is a single white feather on the center of the pillow, but it vanishes the instant it is touched.

Real or not, Subaru is convinced Ginga will return.

So she waits, laying on the mattress in suspended animation. Hours tick by and the night continues to age, though the body is unwilling to meet the demands of the spirit. In the gloom of the blue-black, star-studded cloak, she sleeps.

When morning arrives with a blinding, splendid radiance Ginga is not there, nor is she there the next day.

Or the next day.

Or the next day.

For the first time since her visit to the cemetery one month ago, Subaru starts to feel truly alone. But she doesn't forget; doesn't forget to live, to love, to endure for the woman she so loves to the roots of her very being.

There is still time.

There is still a chance.

* * *

On the fifth day, after a long, soul-searching walk through the city, Subaru finds the light to her answering machine blinking. Curious, she listens to the message.

"Subaru, this is Fate," begins the Enforcer; her voice sounds small and metallic through the speaker. "There is something I have to tell you, so I need you to pay close attention." She pauses to clear her throat. "Recently, I've been talking with your father and Nanoha and Hayate about your situation … and we've decided it would be best if you were to be released from the Bureau.

"However, you will have the final say in this. If you choose to leave, you will be honorably discharged from the roster and all affiliating factions, including Riot Force Six and Stars Squad. If you stay you will still maintain the full credentials you've had prior to the JS Incident. You don't have to give us an answer right now, but sooner or later you'll have to come forward. Your bereavement period is nearing its end, so we can't wait no later than a week. If you don't reply by then, you will be dishonorably discharged.

"There is no right or wrong choice. Wherever you go with this … we'll understand. Just … think it over for a while, okay? Don't do something you'll regret in the future." The message clicks to an end.

Subaru stares at the machine for an indeterminate amount of time, emotions conflicting with rational thought. Shock, relief, anger, and sadness flash through unblinking emeralds, but in the end it is confusion, and the weight of an uncertain tomorrow.

There are three, no, two paths she can follow: either remain a soldier of the Time-Space Administration Bureau … or leave behind the horrors of war and death and live a normal life.

To defend the weak and protect the people she so cares for ….

To fulfill the wishes and dreams for the girl who died so young ….

To fear or not to fear.

To lose or not to lose.

To choose or not to choose.

Running away is not an option.

No. There can be only one answer.

There can only be Here and Now.

* * *

_Osanai te ni tsuntsunda  
__Furueteru sono hikari wo.  
__Koko made tadotte kita  
__Jikan no fuchi wo samayoi.  
__Sagashitsuzukete kita yo  
__Namae sae shiranai keredo.  
__Tada hitotsu no omoi wo  
__Anata ni tewatashitakute.  
__Toki ha ai mo itami mo  
__Fukaku dakitome.  
__Keshiteku kedo  
__Watashi ha  
__Oboete iru  
__Zutto …._

* * *

For the next six days, Subaru contemplates the next step on the walk of life.

On the seventh day, she visits Ginga and Quint's graves.

* * *

_Watashi no mune no oku ni  
__Itsu kara ka hibiite ita….  
__Yotsuyu no shizuku yori mo  
__Kasuka na sasayaki dakedo._

* * *

Lieutenant Colonel Hayate Yagami and Captains Fate T. Harlaown and Nanoha Takamachi look up as the door to the office slides open.

Subaru Nakajima walks in, calm and reserved.

Stopping at the desk, she speaks. "I've made my decision."

* * *

_Itetsuku hoshi no yami he  
__Tsumugu inori ga  
__Tooi anata no sora ni  
__Todoku you ni …._

* * *

At the cemetery, a gentle wind blows through the trees. A dove flies across the wide, blue sky before landing on the fresh headstone.

Somewhere in the distance, a wind chime rings.

* * *

_Author's Notes:_

_I don't remember HOW LONG this took to write. Two weeks? Three weeks? A month? No matter how much time I put into this, all I can say is: IT'S FINISHED (=D)! ...Well, actually, this was completed yesterday (May ninth) and given a thorough revision earlier today before being posted, but by the Gods am I glad to have this done. Not that the experience was bad, mind you, but I so wanted to get this on FFNet for DAYS. It's a crowning achievement, I must say, because "Stop" was originally meant to be a drabble. In the end, it turned into a 3,700+ monster I never thought would happen. But ... what can you do?_

_Anyhow, let's discuss the creation of this tragedy. The idea was formed upon seeing a picture of Subaru holding Ginga's body on the website Danbooru. I thought 'what would happen if Ginga died fighting Subaru in StrikerS Episode 24? What would be the repercussions?' In my mind I planned a quick drabble touching upon those topics; it would simple and straight to the point. Little did I know it would grow into something bigger, something grander. I would spend most of my afternoons and pull (not-so) all-nighters typing this story until its eventual completion on Saturday the ninth._

_Unlike "LINErider", "Stop" was invested with more time and effort. Nothing was rushed, nothing was made on the spur-of-the-moment. No sir, no ma'am. I've thought of how the story should be directed, thought of which characters to use and incorporate in certain events, thought of which details would be added and removed, thought of where conversations go, et al. In my honest opinion, "Stop" is one of the more developed stories I've written, followed in conjuction with "Sparda in Colossal" (Naruto), "For What's It Worth" (Mega Man), and "Agony" (Kannazuki no Miko), to name a few._

_There's a lot of symbolism and religious/mythological references. The flowers mentioned each have their separate meanings. Yellow zinnias and forget-me-nots represent remembrance and true love. The purple hyacinth symbolizes sorrow and forgiveness and can be seen as a sort of apology or a nod to the Greek tale of Hyacinthus. Doves, feathers, and wind chimes are symbols of peace, tranquility, harmony, affection, and loyalty. The lines about the six days of work/rest and the seventh day of rest/work is a reference to the first chapter, Genesis, in the Bible._

_As for Subaru's decision, that is open to interpretation. However, I've considered doing a follow-up if people are interested. It would explain the answer not given in "Stop" and feature a new plot some time after Sound Stage X or before Force. What do you think?_

_Comments and feedback are welcomed and much appreciated. Also, for those who are curious, translations for the lyrics to "RADICAL DREAMERS" can be found at Animelyrics._

_I hoped you enjoyed reading "Stop" as much I did._

_- Grand Phoenix_


End file.
